Queer Relationships and Polyamory

originally posted: 2025-02-18
last updated: 2025-02-18

Introduction

A lot of writing in these topics comes across as overly formal and lengthy. I've tried to make my thoughts as concise as possible, maybe at the cost of being a little more clinical.

My model of Queer Relationship Theory centers around the idea of relationships being mainly a collection of dynamics between two people, each of which require resources from each person. All relationships and dynamics are included in this model, from friendships to romantically exclusive partnerships to one-sided parasocial attachments. In wider culture, it's generally (and preferably) acceptable to have multiple platonic relationships, but romantic and sexual dynamics are often considered exclusive. If all people in a relationship are interested and consenting, however, polyamory allows for all dynamics to be non-exclusive. Resources, on the other hand, are always finite and exclusive.

Ultimately, the challenge of polyamory (having traditionally exclusive dynamics in multiple co-existing relationships) is in 3 areas:

1. Self-reflection: Introspecting to acknowledge and explain one's feelings and desires so that they can be accurately communicated to others.
   1. If this part is lacking, you might be feeling discontent or jealous or unhappy about your relationship or love life, but unable to explain why.
2. Emotional conversations: Respectfully discussing desires and boundaries to see what dynamics are possible, and decide whether those meet everyone's needs.
   1. Difficulties with this challenge can manifest as arguments or frustrations acknowledged but not fully addressed in your relationships, or difficulties starting new relationships because things keep going wrong somehow.
3. Logistics: Accurately estimating and sharing one's resources between different dynamics in different relationships such that all members of the relationships are satisfied with the dynamics had.
   1. Struggles in this area can result in bent or broken promises, feelings of being overstretched or falling behind, or over-promising with partners and even leading them on.

While this intentionality about dynamics and resources is more obviously necessary in polyamory, many of these same discussions are very helpful in monogamy to identify differences from the assumed norm in order to avoid future conflicts.

Disclaimer: the terms, ideas, and opinions I share here are only my own interpretation, not an attempt at asserting the "one true definition". While I attempt to identify common ways people use the words described here, and I do aim to define a framework that's as generally accessible as possible, many people use the same words in different ways. I encourage and celebrate using these words differently in a way that better suits your specific needs and situation.

People and their Capacities

These ideas describe individual people and the things they are capable of doing and providing:

• Person: A conscious, free-willed, flawed, continuously-changing being who possesses desires to pursue and resources to use in those endeavors.
• Resource: A limited quantity of something possessed by a person (e.g. time, energy, money) that is used to fuel dynamics in a relationship.
• Capacity / Saturation: The maximum amount of a specific dynamic or general "relationship stuff" that one person can sustain with their resources and desires.
  • "Polysaturation" is often used to describe "general amount of relationships", where "romantic / sexual / ____ saturation" can be used for specific dynamics
• Boundaries: "The distance at which I can love both you and myself." Limitations on what the boundary-setter is willing to do in a relationship.
  • A common boundary is romantic and/or sexual dynamic exclusivity: "If you date / sleep with anyone else, I'm going to end (my participation in) our relationship". Other common boundaries include exclusion of some dynamics in sex (breath play, degradation, skin marks), limits on resources spent in a relationship, or conversational topics.
  • As opposed to the more unhealthy idea of rules, which are limitations placed on the other person in a relationship, boundaries are about what you will do if certain lines are crossed. For example, instead of the rule "we need to have a date at least once a week", it could be re-structured as a boundary like "if we don't have our weekly date, I'm going to request some extra time before/afterwards, and maybe also request a conversation about quality time with each other."

I fundamentally believe that people always pursue the best option available to them in each moment given limitations on their resources, knowledge, and opportunities. Acknowledging one's limitations, especially when they (either yourself or another person) make decisions out of alignment with other goals, is a very powerful framework for enacting positive change in relationships.

Types of Resources

• Time: The finite amount of seconds in the day to spend between work, fun, love, self-care, creativity, etc.
• Physical energy: Capacity in one's body to move, walk, dance, stand, exercise, etc.
• Mental energy: Capacity in one's mind to converse, contemplate, plan & execute, problem-solve, etc.
• Emotional energy: Capacity in one's heart to process emotions, identify healthy & hurtful reactions, determine the best next action / way to phrase something emotional.
• Money: Capacity in one's wallet to spend on food, event tickets, items & gifts, etc. Good ol' capitalist grease.

Connections between people

These ideas describe the ways people experience each other and shared activities:

• Dynamic: A category of shared desirable activity between two or more people, such as "sexual", "platonic", etc, which require some resources from all people involved.
  • Exclusivity: The restriction that a dynamic be shared only with one or a few designated people. e.g. "I'm looking for a sexually exclusive relationship."
• Desire: A person's general want for certain dynamics with other people.
  • Dealbreaker: A desire for a dynamic that someone considers necessary for an overall relationship to work. (e.g. "I need to be able to flirt with strangers, possibly even make out and/or have sex with them, without contacting my partner / getting their consent first.")
• Attraction: A situational manifestation of desire directed towards another person (or entity!).
  • Attraction is fundamentally a reaction; it can be suppressed or supported, but it cannot be intentionally triggered or "turned off".

Types of connections

For the most part, all of these can be experienced in isolation from one another, and with multiple people at once. Each person experiences their side of a dynamic / attraction differently; they need not be symmetric. This can be a point of contention in relationships, or an intentional structure.

• Platonic: Friendship, conversation, humor, shared interests & activities.
• Sexual: Arousal or pleasure around physical attraction & intimacy, often involving or associated with sexual organs & genitalia.
• Romantic: A deep, often inexplicable sense of closeness, curiosity, chemistry, and emotional vulnerability. (Generally the hardest to describe).
  • Often felt in intense bursts (aka crushes) initially, then settling down into a calmer but smoother confident attachment over time (see Old Relationship Energy).
  • "How is this different from a best friend? Even a best friend who I cuddle and/or have sex with? A best friend I start a family with?" I don't have a clear answer for you. I think it has something to do with a different type of brain chemicals getting involved. In general culture, these brain chemicals are usually the signal to form attachments and commitments, to entangle your lives and have kids, etc. Queer people are much more capable of disentangling relationship style from these brain chemicals. On its own, romance just seems to be "I feel extra squishy around you."
  • I haven't seen any instances of romance being experienced without any other dynamics, though certainly romance does not always require all other elements (e.g. sexuality, sensual, aesthetic, even emotional). I would argue that at least having a strong platonic and emotional bond will augment the romance and contribute to a healthier, stronger relationship.
• Sensual: Non-sexual physical contact like hugging, cuddling, holding hands / arms, dancing together, etc.
• Emotional: Trust, listening, giving and seeking advice and support about conflicts, values, priorities, and other personal dilemmas.
• Facilitative: Solving problems or creating opportunities for one another with resources, knowledge, or opportunities not available on one's own. Can be financial, logistical, time/energy, teaching, etc; anything more "practical" than "emotional".
  • This can manifest in a one-sided relationship, and can be used to create a power dynamic because of the dependence that often forms in such a situation. Should be treated with extreme care.
• Aesthetic: Appearance, energy, persona, fashion, dancing style, anything qualifying as "artistic appreciation of another person". Aesthetic is specifically about compliments & appreciation; discussion of shared interest is more Platonic.
• Admirative: Appreciation of one's accomplishments, personality, talent, history, or other artifacts of lived experience.

Support vs dynamic

A dynamic between people describes the overall pattern or state of a connection (even if felt asymmetrically), whereas I define support to be inherently one-sided (though it can go both ways).

• For example, an emotional dynamic describes the general bond of trust and openness with each other; emotional support is the one-sided interaction of one person sharing a challenging situation, and the other helping in some way to make the challenging situation more easy for the one experiencing it.
• Another: a facilitative dynamic is a pattern of trust and reliance in which people rely on another (even if it is often one-sided); facilitative support describes the specific interaction of one person fixing logistical problems for the sake of another.

Layered model of compatibility

When negotiating dealbreakers, desires, & boundaries between different people, it's helpful to think of a space including all possible dynamics, and think about which of those dynamics fall into each of these ever-wider categories:

1. Dealbreakers
2. Desires
3. "Acceptable" - neither a desire of your own, or something crossing a boundary
   • I don't have a great word for this at the moment; I'd like to find one.
4. Boundaries

A relationship is workable if all dealbreakers are within the other's boundaries. A relationship is also strengthened when:

• Desires are also within the other's boundaries
• Dealbreakers and desires are shared between all members

Relationships and qualities

A relationship is a collection of dynamics, boundaries, and commitments between two or more people. They can have various qualities or labels:

• Commitment: A level of willingness to work through temporary hardships for the sake of preserving the underlying relationship. Often expressed via "stages" of a relationship, up to and including marriage (conventional or otherwise).
  • Commitment can also be broken down into specific dynamics at different levels, e.g. "yeah we sleep together sometimes, but at the core we're good friends through and through".
  • Related is the idea of "chosen family", often conveying a high level of commitment in emotional dynamic, as well as some possibility of financial or logistical support
• Partnership / Partners: A term usually expressing some amount of commitment and social presentation similar to a traditional "couple". Other related terms expressing this idea of "coupling": dating, seeing each other, lovers, companions, paramours
  • Nesting partner: Partners who live together, particularly in the context of polyamory where some other partners are not nesting partners.
  • Anchor partner: A partner who one regards as a central figure in one's life, a stable “rock” or “anchor” to lean on. Often used in non-hierarchical polyamory to acknowledge the inherent hierarchy created by such an attachment, while denying that this attachment grants priority.
• Priority: Privileged access to one's resources, or influence over one's decisions, when the needs of multiple relationships come into conflict.
  • Being on the receiving end of low priority can commonly cause feelings of abandonment, neglect, or low self-esteem.
  • Priority is not a fundamental evil - it's often necessary because of our limited resources and different relationship types. It's better to acknowledge the hierarchies and priorities in our relationships, rather than say it
  • Relatedly, veto is one partner's right to "call off" an additional relationship.
• Queer-Platonic Relationship (QPR): An umbrella term for relationships that do not follow the societal norm of "a couple with romantic + sexual + everything else", but still embody a sense of commitment.

Entanglement and the Relationship Escalator

TODO ... broadly, "becoming more involved and coupled over time":

• presenting socially as a couple
• joining social networks
• increasing time commitment as you grow closer
• moving in together
• joining finances
• starting a family

some people (like myself) want relationships with low entanglement

Intersecting relationships

When multiple committed relationships overlap through a single polyamorous person, they create some new situations and concerns.

much of the writing in this section is incomplete or only refers to particular ideas.

Terminology

• Metamour - Another person in a partnership with someone you're also dating. Telemour is a partner of your partner's partner, or generally "farther out in the polycule".
• Polycule - A network of all interconnected relationships through a set of people.
  • If there are long chains of relationships, a polycule can span tens or even thousands of people; in such cases, it can be easier to talk about one's "immediate polycule", all relationships they're directly involved in, or maybe an "extended polycule" of people one step away.

Emotions about polyamory

• Compersion - happiness at the joy of one's partner in another relationship. Amplified when you better know that metamor.
• Envy - the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has.
• Jealousy - feeling threatened, fearful, or protective of losing something you currently have.

Group relationships

When multiple people share relationships with each other, the number of relationships to consider explodes at an exponential rate (literally)¹. In a triangle 3-person relationship, where each person is also dating the other two, you have not just 3 couples, but an additional triad relationship to consider. What dynamics do you do all together? Is there desire for group dynamics, or would people prefer to not even have a wider relationship? Different assumptions about these bigger relationships can cause conflict.

Shapes - V + Hinge, Triangle, N/Z, Quad, etc

Communication across relationships

• kitchen table
• garden party
• parallel (never intersecting)
• don't ask don't tell

Hierarchy in relationships

• Hierarchical poly
• Non-hierarchical
• Relationship Anarchy

Stages of a relationship

• NRE & Limerence
• ERE

---

other misc things to cover:

• Cowgirl/Cowboy
• Ethical Non-Monogamy
• One Penis Policy